1. |
Jort Fort
01:46
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I don’t wanna wear no chinos
I don’t want no khaki slacks
I won’t wear no corduroy
Jean shorts, that’s where its at.
I don’t want no dungarees
I don’t wanna wear capris
That fashion aint for me,
I make my shorts, cut em from my jeans.
Welcome to the Jort.
Welcome to the Fort.
Welcome to, welcome to
Welcome to the Jort Fort
I can rock a cargo pocket
I can rock a double cuff
I can rock some daisy dukes,
I go to the mall, I strut my stuff
I like em loose and baggy,
Or so skin tight that you scoff
When you got legs like mine,
You best believe I’m gunna show them off
Welcome to the Jort.
Welcome to the Fort.
Welcome to, welcome to
Welcome to the Jort Fort
Guys give me stares like poison venom
When Im in this skin tight denim
Sorry that I went and made your girl jealous
Ring the dinner bell, I saying come and get ‘em
Some people like em long
And some people like em short
One thing we can all agree
It’s all good, in the Jort Fort.
Welcome to the Jort.
Welcome to the Fort.
Welcome to, welcome to
Welcome to the Jort Fort
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2. |
Break Da Fast
02:07
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1, 2, 3 , 4
Eggs in the pan, I’m an egg flipping man
But it’s after 5 oclock don’t look at me a sinner
I’m a grown ass man eating breakfast for dinner
And don’t you try and look at me like I’m trippin
I cook some French toast sticks, that shit is for dipping
Sippin’ on some OJ to start
Got my toaster Pop my pop-tarts to start
I skip breakfast and I skip lunch
I work an 8 hour shift with a belly with no captain crunch
I got a hunch, and I’m a winner
Just a grown ass man, Im eating breakfast for dinner
Breakfast foods put me in a good mood
So homie, you better make no mistake
I tell you what goes good with some afterwork OE
Some chocolate chip pancakes
Breakfast for dinner what I’m all about,
Not those boring eggs and bacon like you wakin’ up a grandmas house
I got some grapefruit juice, finna take a sip
Pull out Aunt Jemimah, watch your homie drip
Syrup on my eggs
Syrup on my sausage
Syrup on my waffle
This shit’s getting exhausting
Im from the north, but I tell you maybe
Baby baby baby, I can fuck with sausage gravy
Red strawberry slice, I got that white pancake batter
I put a little bit in the middle of a griddle then I flip that
Motherfucker with my spatula
Born as a bachelor
Breakfast for dinner in my dressing gown
Still cook the best fucking hash browns in the town
And we don’t put no pop tarts up in our mouth,
Remember homie, this is a Toaster Strudel house
I come home and my pantry’s empty
But fret, I got those breakfast foods a-plenty
Say breakfast is the most important meal of the day?
Breakfast for dinner, that’s what I say.
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3. |
Size 7 Mittens
02:34
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Oh lord I got short fingers
Everybody knows
But I got me a secret
I got some real long toes
If you got a foot fetish, than babe I’ll your heaven
I wear a man’s 13, my glove size a children’s 7
I was born messed up, and I don’t know what to do
That’s right, I got the short fingers and long toes blues
You know what they say about men with real long toes
They can get you with that deep tickle
You know what they say about men with short fingers
They can’t open a jar of pickles
Well this little piggy went to market, this little piggy sang a song
But between me and you the other three little piggies,
They’re uncomfortably long
Big feet means a big prize,
But my hands are, oh they’re fun sized.
I was in my momma’s belly
The doctor said something went wrong
Sure the fingers are a little short, but the toes are way too long
When the doctor said those words
my mother was confused
Now she stuck with the
“My baby’s got short fingers but long toes blues”
Well when I’m at the beach
Wearing flip-flops causes a shock
And when Im at TJ MAXX
it’s hard to find good fitting socks
And it’s hard to have short fingers
Especially as a dude
But the good news is when I touch myself,
It makes my dick look huge
My whole life’s been crazy
I don’t know what to do
That’s right, I got the short fingers and long toes blues
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4. |
Missed Pawnections
03:23
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I walk down the street and I wanna pet every dog I meet
But this cute chocolate lab I see
He’s got a vest says “DO NOT PET”
Now the owner is looking at me
If you’re is working, and I can not pet
Why’s he look so cute, bandana round his neck
I wanna learn what that dog is about
Gunna rub his belly, rub his snout
I keep treats in my pocket
When a dog walks by, I just can stop it
This dog looks so cute
Cute enough to shake a tooth loose
Sweater than pumpkin pie, the apple of my eye
This dog is a prize.
The cutest thing on the sidewalk
I wanna talk to him in a real cute voice
Pet him, that’s my choice.
He’s a real good boy
He’s a real good boy
Why are the cutest dogs aways working?
Their owners know, they’re smirking.
Every cute dog that I find, seems to be leading around the blind.
Leading around the blind.
Cute dogs, they’re for petting.
Cute dogs, I won’t be forgetting.
But you’re working, so it ain’t no use
I can’t help myself, when I see a cute pooch
I want that tail to wage, I want that wet puppy nose
Im not allowed to pet you
That’s how the story goes
You got a real cute coat,
I wanna pet you cause
This ain’t no passing thing,
Dog, this is puppy love.
I love you.
Give you all the treats
That your owner won’t give you to eat
To say the least, never put you on a leash
To say the least, every night a kibble and bits feast
But it ain't no use, I cannot pet that pooch.
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5. |
O Car, Where Art Thou?
03:03
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Well when I get the urge to go shopping
There’s nothing that can stop me
I pull up to the mall, in this brand new jalopy
I got a day of shopping on my mind
Got a big smile on my face
But in my excitement
I forgot my parking space
I know I should write it down like I should
Alls I can remember is I parked near DICK’s sporting goods
I got an orange Julius in my hand, and Im traveling near and far
Just stumbling round this mall tryna figure out where I parked my car
I said losing the spot you parked
We all know how that feels
I shoulda never gone to Marshalls
Though they got good deals
Now Im in that parking lot
With bags from stores and boutiques
And Im trying to hear the beep
When I press my keys
I know I should write it down like I should
Alls I can remember is I parked near DICK’s sporting goods
I got an orange Julius in my hand, and Im traveling near and far
Just stumbling round this mall tryna figure out where I parked my car
Well since my baby left me, I go to the mall alone
She used to write down where we parked,
I don’t know how I’m gunna get home
And when I do a full day’s shopping,
I can get cranky, in a fuss
Oh wait, I just remembered,
I took the buss
I know I should write it down like I should
Alls I can remember is I parked near DICK’s sporting goods
I got an orange Julius in my hand, and Im traveling near and far
Just stumbling round this mall tryna figure out where I parked my car
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6. |
Man or Moth
02:12
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In the backwoods of West Virginia,
There’s a creature they have seen.
With moth like wings, and red glowing eye
He comes to them in dreams
Silver bridge went down, they found this man in town.
And if you try to cast you eyes upon him,
Fear spreads all around.
He’s the devil when he laughs
And he’s god when he cries
Stay away from the moth man,
Look out for those red eyes.
The devil knows what the devil does
Some say the Moth Man ain’t true.
I pray you ask the poor souls that he chased
Down highway 62
In the Pleasant City limits,
That’s where this beast resides
With his thick furry frame
And his red glowing eyes.
He’s the devil when he laughs
And he’s god when he cries
Stay away from the moth man,
And his red
And his red
And his red glowing eyes.
And his red
And his red
And his red glowing eyes
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7. |
Goop
02:56
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OH! Sometimes you gotta take care of yourself
Ain’t nobody else gunna do it for you.
You gotta at yourself in the mirror and say
“Buddy, you’re worth it too”
I had a real hard week down at work
It’s seems 8 hours a day I’m there.
I got home, I looked in the Mirror
I said “Buddy you need some self care”
I got myself a new bath bomb
I got myself a gold leaf mask
I work hard all week, deserve some R&R
Some TLC, buddy that is m task.
64 ounces of water a day
That’s what keeps the wrinkles away
64 ounces of water a day
At least that’s what Gwyneth Paltrow say
I need some R&R,
Some rest and relaxation
I need some Aloe Vera
I need some deep hydration
What Im wearing is a sea-weed mask,
Don’t be scared
You’re just looking at a grown man doing self care.
I started moisturizing till my skin is smooth as Silk
I started eating fiber, started drinking soy milk
I started taking melatonin so that I could sleep
I started limiting the amount of time I’m on my screen
I switched my morning coffee for a cup of herbal tea
I try to limit myself to two boozy drinks a week
It’s like taking myself right out on a date
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I go cross legged and meditate.
64 ounces of water a day
That’s what keeps the wrinkles away
64 ounces of water a day
At least that’s what Gwyneth Paltrow say
Self Care!
I need some R&R,
Some rest and relaxation
I need some Aloe Vera
I need some deep hydration
What Im wearing is a sea-weed mask,
Don’t be scared
You’re just looking at a grown man doing self care.
I’m doing self care
I’m doing self cafe
I got lotions to moisturize
For some reason put cucumber slice on my eyes
I’m feel good, and nothing compares
I’m just a grown man doing self care.
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8. |
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I be down on earth, Jah lives in the sky
Jah be all powerful, I got some weak ass thighs
To have strong legs, to Jah I pray
But I’ve weak ankles and I always skip leg day
Lord I
Got mad inappropriate
I got mad inappropriate leg fatigue
You know me
I got mad inappropriate leg fatigue
I got some weak ass knees
Thick thighs save lives, men seem to care
But me, I can hardly walk up a flight of stairs
I’m never on the squat rack, if you know me
Hell, I get fatigued when I try to squat to pee
I got mad inappropriate leg fatigue
You know me
I got mad inappropriate leg fatigue
I and I and Jah Knows me
My legs are very weak, it’s a major issue
My thighs about as strong as an old used tissue
When I carry my groceries, I need to stop
Only way I can fuck is with girl on top.
These legs are fatigued.
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9. |
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Endorphines are morphing me
Into a rational, a happy human being
Give me that vitamin D
As I walk down to street, and creep
Or complain, cause I’m feeling overjoyed
Sarah Tonin’s in my brain, now I’m a happy little boy
and I feeling spoiled, with the sun on my head
Nothing to dread, listen what the doctor said,
He said
“Get some vitamin D, and only good stuff to eat
And maybe get enough sleep,
and pretty soon you will keep
up a schedule and get a dopamine hit,
I know its hard, but you just can’t quit”
You wan’t it quick? You better set sone goals and follow through
Because you’re out of control, this is the stuff your brain chemicals do.
Meditate
Set a date
Practice mindfulness
Don’t internalize that hate
And pretty soon my baby boy, I promise you’ll be feeling great.
Organize your room
Talk to friends on zoom
Get enough sleep, and I promise happiness will be in your reach
Seretonin, heavy roller, combat stress and bipolar.
Don’t feel bad about what’s going in your head.
Just trust those brain chemical’s friend.
Trust those brain chemicals friend.
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10. |
Stream of Wheat
01:38
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When the ale is all around, the wine is flowing free
The peasants who drink their drink, you know they gotta pee
And I don’t care where their stream goes, I’m not one to complain
I just with they would aim their penis from my grain
Peasants going pee
Their peeing on my wheat
I wish they would stop
That’s where my family eats
They're pissing on my grain
They’re peeing on my crops
They’re whizzing on my barely
I wish those peasants would stop
They had too much drink
They had too much fluid
And now I’m surrounding by piss drunk pissing druids
The first time I noticed, that something was amiss
Is when I ground my barely bread and it tasted like piss
Peasants going pee
Their peeing on my wheat
I wish they would stop
That’s where my family eats
Sure they’re going pee, that’s just what drunkards do
I’d rather they go number 1 than leave a number 2
Peasants going pee
Their peeing on my wheat
I wish they would stop
That’s where my family eats
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11. |
Sunny Side
02:53
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I have a big breakfast every morning try to get ahead
Sure I could just have a pop tart, but daddy wants some eggs
I don’t want hardboiled
That’s boring stuff
Every egg I ever eat,
It’s sunny side up
That first bite, it tastes alright
Until that egg yolk is on my crotch
That first bite, it tastes alright
Just sit right back and watch
Some people like em scrambled, and I think those people jokes
When it comes to eggs, Im a real slut for a runny yoke
When I overcook my eggs man that really hurts
I expect when I take my first bite, that my egg sandwich squirt
I don’t want hardboiled
That’s boring stuff
Every egg I ever eat,
It’s sunny side up
That first bite, it tastes alright
Giggles from the people who watch
That first bite, it tastes alright
Until that egg yolk is on my crotch
That first bite, it tastes alright
It’s almost too painful to watch
I should have listened to my old man
And left that egg right in the pan
I’m a grown man, this is the breakfast that I choose
When I take that first bite, you know I really want that egg to ooze
I don’t want hardboiled
That’s boring stuff
Every egg I ever eat,
It’s sunny side up
That first bite, it tastes alright
Until that egg squirted on my pants
I had just waken up
You know I didn’t stand a chance
That first bite, it tastes alright
Until that egg squirted out its yoke
No joke, I spoke
I still like runny yokes
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12. |
One-ion a Million
02:25
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Today is a cheat day, I’ll eat what I please
Went to the drive thru, a fried chicken sandwich with cheese
Got a large soda, got a side of fries
Then I realized, I saw an unusual thing
It was an onion ring, just chillin in my fried
An onion ring, fast foods greatest prize
I don’t mind the calories, I don’t mind the cost,
Everyone here knows me, so I get extra sauce
My boy Josh is in charge, my sodas never have too much ice
Don’t think that it was an accident, Josh did it too be nice
Gave me onion ring, just chillin in my fried
An onion ring, fast foods greatest prize
An onion, took me by surprise
An onion at a fast food venue,
Weird cause they’re not even on the menu
First I drank my drink with a straw
Burger was so big, I had to unhinge my jaw
Fries they were crisp, and salty if you’re wondering
The only bad news is, I’m allergic to onion
That onion ring, it took me by surprise
That onion ring, fast food’s greatest prize
I’m too beta to saw something about it
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13. |
Swipe West, Virginia
02:08
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I was feeling lonely just the other night
I downloaded tinder with the hopes of swiping right
I was getting lonely of always being along
I set the search limit for a mile from my home
I matched with a cutie, she was gorgeous as can be
She didn’t show her whole face, but she sorta looked like me
Just as I was typing in a message on my screen
I realized she could almost be in my family
She was not average, not no dime a dozen
Then I saw another photo saw she was my cousin
I swiped right, and soon I’ll get lucky with my cousin,
We both live in Kentucky
Sure I got a boner from the photos that I saw
The thing that makes it extra hot is it’s against the law
I hope this decision isn’t something that will haunt me
I need to keep this secret from my uncle and my auntie
A lot of yankees listening thing there’s something wrong with me
But right now my dicks harder than the bark on my family tree
No I’m not embarrassed by these kinky things I do
But I know I’ll never miss a family reunion barbecue
She was not average, not no dime a dozen
Then I saw another photo saw she was my cousin
I swiped right, and soon I’ll get lucky with my cousin,
We both live in Kentucky
We both live in Kentucky
We both live in Kentucky
We both live in Kentucky
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14. |
Two Christmases
02:18
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I read the Bible and I do my chores each day
I ride my bike down the street, I go outside and play
I eat my vegetables when my mama tells me to
These are just the things a good boy do
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
I let my auntie pinch my cheeks
I call my grandmother ever week
I sweep the rug, I don’t do drugs
And ever time I see my mom I give her a hug
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
I make my bed every single day
I study hard at school and I get good grades
And when Im in class, I listen to my teacher
When I grow up, I wanna be a preacher
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Mommy told me Im her very special little man
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
I hold the door open, and I pull out your seat
Twice I day I brush and I floss my teeth
I pray each day to keep my life on course
So tell me why are mom and day getting a divorce
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a good boy
Is it something I did
Im a good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
Im a real good boy
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15. |
Green Isle of Fire
01:40
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Well spicy food is a real nice thing
Whether its a Ramen bowl or a chicken wing
Though I love the flavor, you know I gotta pay
Cause it’s burning my rear end on the very next day.
Sitting on the toilet and you know I wanna shout
It tastes good going in, but it burns coming out
Though I love the flavor, you know I gotta pay
Cause it’s burning my rear end on the very next day.
Sure it taste good, but tell me at what cost?
At the moment I am shitting pure tabasco sauce.
I did a wing challenge, and impressive feat
But at the moment my anus feels like ground hamburger meat
Though I love the flavor, you know I gotta pay
Cause it’s burning my rear end on the very next day.
Jalapeños, habaneros they make me sick
Sure the flavors good if you’re into
Sucking the devils dick
Was that fire or a pepper?
I really can’t tell which is which
Im not a big fan of eating that spice
All my friends agree I’m a little bitch.
Fire or a pepper?
I really can’t tell which is which
Im not a big fan of eating that spice
All my friends agree I’m a little bitch.
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Will Boyajian New York, New York
I record/improvise all these songs live on Twitch in an hour or less.
You choose the
genre.
You choose the subject.
You choose the song and album title.
It's fun.
... more
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