1. |
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No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t quit
Oh my dentist is a sadist
When I’m in his chair, wanna shout
Can’t say a word, fingers in my mouth
But these cavities, that affect my teeth
Coming from the processed sugar that I like to eat.
Give me novocaine, so that I can’t feel
The dentist tells me brush my teeth
After like every meal
Said I don’t floss enough, said it like a diss
Do my gums bleed? None of your business!
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t quit
Oh these dentists rich, when they got their fingers in our faces
Say my teeth are crowded, crooked need braces
They make a killing off this drilling
Jerk gets satisfaction from giving me a filling
As he pokes my teeth
That’s when the pain begins
Say I don’t feel It, because fuck him
Buy a water pick, don’t use crest strips
9/10 dentists agree you can suck my dick
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
I floss when I feel like
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t quit
Asking me to demonstrated how I brush
Like some kind of test
My dentist 5-0 put that lead upon my chest
I came in here for a whitening
But now an XRAY is pointed at my head and it’s frightening
Oh great I need another root canal
Oh great I need another root canal
And he I gotta get it done today
And guess what? Guess my insurance won’t pay
That’s how this dude makes his whole career
It’s a big ol’ scam, I’ll see you in 3 years.
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t spit
No doc, I won’t swish, won’t quit
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2. |
Lurch; Kitty In The City
02:10
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Theres a cat in New York City
Lurch is his name
A lotta people have cats here,
But mine it’s not the same.
He fought a raccoon
On a Bronx’s trip
He was fearless too,
he was buzzing’ on catnip.
In the city
In the city
In the city
Everyone loves a kitty
But mine is extra nice
He’s friends with the bodega cat
We get a pizza slice
I rescued that cat in the Bronx
I wish that you could see
I didn’t just rescue him, that kitty rescued me!
In the city
In the city
In the city
In the city, my cat is black
It’s hard for him to catch a taxi cab
But he catches all the mice he wants
In the city
In the city
In the city
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3. |
Floor Is Lava
01:33
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As a boy I was sitting in my house
Playing with my brother on the couch
Pretty soon the game took a shock
Found out that the floor was molten rock
Jumping form cushion to couch cushion
Never let our feet touch the ground
The rug is home base
And mamas kitchen is off limits
Playing the floor is lava is the best fun that I’ve found
Me and my brother having a real good time
And mama’s in the kitchen drinking wine
This game is the most fun yet
Wonder when daddy’s coming back from buying cigarettes
Jumping form cushion to couch cushion
Never let our feet touch the ground
The rug is home base
And mamas kitchen is off limits
Playing the floor is lava is the best fun that I’ve found
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4. |
OBGYN
02:00
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OBG)
OBGYN
(Ok, reproductive health, here we go)
See my gynecologist, it fills my heart with dread
But the doc said,
Put your legs in them stirrups and spread ‘em
Before we get ahead of ourselves,
I’ve got a question.
Are you sexually active, do you always use protection?
Yes I use protection, ain’t trying to be no mother
So, yes I use a rubber when I’m laying with my lover.
No STD, HIV, or HPV so cut the speech when you’re
Talking to me, please!
OBGYN
OBGYN
Don’t feel disgraced, if you think
The office of a gynecological visit is a scary place
If they got some bad news, know they gunna tell it to your face.
Say my PH off, I guess I’m all about that base.
Top off and vag out, I’m sitting on the table
She’s telling me to spread like I’m a Pap smear bagel
Poking and prodding with every single test
Does it hurt when I press here?
Bitch Yes.
I see my OBGYN
See my OBGYN
I know it’s just her job, but with the cotton swap
I wonder what she is finding
And maybe baby you can buy me a drink next time,
Before you’re all up in my uterine lining.
A clean bill of reproductive health is hella nice
Go to your OBGYN for some good advice
Plus with copay, insurance pays the price
But that metal duck-bill is cold as ice.
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5. |
Pastel's Monster
02:12
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Monsters under my bed
Monsters in my head
Don’t fear them anymore
Don’t close my closet door
Turn out the lights
So I can see
No monsters here
You’re just like me
So dry your eyes
You’re not alone
No need to cry
I’ll take you home
Monsters under my bed
They’re nothing to fear
I don’t mind them anymore
They’ve been there for year
Monster your here
You’re not alone
Just dry your tears, I’ll take you home
Monster your here
You’re not alone
So dry your eyes, I’ll take you home
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6. |
Itchy Eyes
01:40
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Cornflakes In a bowl
And I stubbed my toe
I like jelly roll
I put it in my truck
I like Game Boy Advance
Witches don’t have a chance
Froggies they like to hop from the lillypad of
Abraham Lincoln applies for an internship at Ikea.
That’s why, I always shop at Kohls
That’s why, I always shop at Kohls
That’s why, I always shop at Kohls
That’s why, I always shop at Kohls
Legos in my lunch
Why does that egg have eyes?
A banana’s actually a CPU in my car.
Do clams have personalities?
I guess we’ll never know.
Flowers’ never talk.
I got itchy eyes.
One time I saw a priest on TV.
That’s why, I always shop at Kohls
That’s why, I always shop at Kohls
That’s why, I always shop at Kohls
That’s why, I always shop at Kohls
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7. |
Junky Squirrel
01:03
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Here’s a story ‘bout a junky squirrel in my town
He got sick and tired of nuts on the ground
And leaping from tree to tree
He developed a very bad addiction to some PCP
And methanphetamine, like Billy Mays
He thought that he could get off Oxy, clean
And maybe go back to the tree.
He graduated to the opiate pills
Because the PCP no longer gave him a thrill.
Mom and Dad knew that he was bad.
He couldn’t catch the dragon, he knew that he’d been had.
He’s fucked up and sad because this
Squirrel has got a monkey on it’s back
Has got a monkey on it’s back
Has got a monkey of it’s back
Has got a monkey on it’s back
The squirrel was going through withdrawn,
And he was feeling crummy and not too good at all.
He found a book upon the ground, it was the Bible
And he learned about our lord and savior Jesus Christ
He prayed and got some very good advice.
And now this
Squirrel don’t got a monkey on his back
don’t got a monkey on his back
don’t got a monkey on his back
don’t got a monkey on his back
don’t got a monkey
on his back
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8. |
Noodle-Man
01:32
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There’s an outlaw made of spaghetti
In this town he is boss
With his six shooter, he’s always ready
Covers all his enemies in sauce
Noodle man, noodle man
He’s boiling hot,
Can’t put him in a pot,
And gluten free he’s not,
He’s noodle man!
His whip a piece of macaroni
His horse, linguini, never stops
Turns all his opponents to dust, like Parmesan
With a meatball on top.
Noodle man, noodle man
He’s boiling hot,
Can’t put him in a pot,
And gluten free he’s not,
He’s noodle man!
Boiling hot,
Can’t put him in a pot,
And gluten free he’s not,
He’s noodle man!
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9. |
Front To Back
01:40
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Heres a real sad story, bout a real sad thing
And you know that it happen to me.
I was sitting on that toilet seat,
And I couldn’t find no TP
I look at the roll to my side
I see that it’s empty
But I don’t have a single friend who can bring
Some fresh toilet paper to me
I ate too much pizza and wings
Ate too many baked beans
I’m don’t with my BM but
I ain’t got no TP (to wipe with)
Now I’m sitting on that toilet
Feeling like a gassy mess
I shoulda been more careful
Cause you know I got a IBS
It’s a real sad story hope you understand
Im a gunna have to wipe with my hand.
We’ve all been in that position
So you better to laugh
Now I got my pants round my ankles
Wobbling to the bath
Im a real sad man with a dirty tush
Not enough fiber and I gotta push
But if you bring me a couple sheets
Of double ply I’ll get on track
Cause I ain't no dummy I know to wipe front to back
I ate too much pizza and wings
Ate too many baked beans
I’m don’t with my BM but
I ain’t got no TP (to wipe with)
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10. |
Food Lotion
02:13
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Mayonaise, mayonaise
Mayonaise, mayonaise
Food Lotion
Appetizer Moisturizer
All my food tastes so dry
Never order mayonnaise on the side
I slather it on top, Mayonnaise
Aioli, mayonnaise with a much fancier name
Pickles and onions, nothing next to mayonnaise
Appetizer moisturizer,
Food lotion that we need
Food lotion when we feed
Mayonaise, mayonaise
Mayonaise
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11. |
Stapler Shanty
02:19
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I left my whaling days
I left my home at sea
My harpoon no longer by my side
I needed job security
I wrote a brand new resume
A cover-letter too.
I know it’s not much fun to work
But it’s what responsible adults do.
Collate these papers, boys
Working 9 - 5
Doing our TPS reports
Cause we’re not too far from closing time
Collate these papers, boys
Working 9 - 5
Together we find synergy
Cause we’re not too far from closing time
Had to learn to use outlook,
I had to learn excel.
In 6 months I’m due promotion
You could say things are going well
Head off to the water cooler when I need to hide.
And Janice from accounting seems like she’s an easy ride!
Collate these papers, boys
Working 9 - 5!
Doing our TPS reports
Cause we’re not too far from closing time
Collate these papers, boys
Working 9 - 5!
Together we find synergy
Cause we’re not too far from closing time
And though I work as hard as I can,
I aint no shining star
I made one joke about Janice in accounting
They made me go see HR.
This desk is now my mizzenmast
This cubicle my place
My team leader said I have middle management
Written all over my face.
Collate these papers, boys
Working 9 - 5
Doing our TPS reports
Cause we’re not too far from closing time
Collate these papers, boys
Working 9 - 5
Together we find synergy
Cause we’re not too far from closing time
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12. |
Bagel Frights
01:18
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Momma says ‘you gunna die if you eat those pies’
Momma says ‘you gunna die if you keep on eating them pizza pies’
Pizza in the morning
Pizza through the night
If you put pizza on a bagel
You can get pizza every time
Like my bagel like I like my life
Saucy and spicy and without any strife
I don’t microwave my bagel bites
That’s living on the edge, I’m afraid of heights
As a good Hasidic boy, it’s my life’s joy
To devour that pizza bagel after prayer hour
Put on no pepperoni, put on no bacon
I get ‘em from Antoni, he knows just how to make em
Pizza on am ini bagel
So chewy and cheesy
Put them in a toaster oven,
And make dinner easy
Slashing these bagel bites, smashing them in my face
Wanna start a fight
You gotta love that taste.
Bagel Bites
Pizza in the morning
Pizza through the night
If you put pizza on a bagel
You can get pizza every time
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13. |
Memphis Quick
01:27
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Well she loves me and I love her
When Im with my woman I’m premature
Don’t get me wrong, it feels real good
But between you and me, don’t last as long as I should
That’s why I went and wrote this song.
I’m a real quick lover, I don’t last too long.
Love all night, that’s my plan,
But she’s too tight, I ain’t no superman.
I feel like a loser, I feel dumb
I get some special lube, it’s supposed to numb
The way I cum, it feels like a sin.
The party’s over as soon as it begins
I’m not too big
Don’t last too long
That’s why I gotta write this song
But we love each other, we share a house.
I’m not good below, but I’m good with my mouth
Here’s some advice, and you better be sure
If you come too soon, you better take care of her.
Hear my advice, listen please
If you’re not good with the D, you best get
Good on your knees.
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14. |
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Gather round I tell you story
Hope you understand
A battle tween a giant, and a baby with big hands.
The baby’s hands were rather big, bigger than they should be.
Who will win into this battle? I think we have to see.
Oooh Baby with big hands
Oooh Baby with big hands
Giant tried to hit the baby, I hope you realize
Even though he’s very big, his hands are normal sized
The baby cannot feed itself, cannot walk or crawl
But the mits upon that infant, were the biggest of them all.
Oooh, Oooh That baby’s got big hands
Oooh, Oooh, That baby’s got big hands
Giant fist on a Baby’s wrists
Hands, hands, that baby’s has two hands
The fight was not that good
It was not going great
The baby’s giant hands were bigger than his birthweight
That’s when the battle ends and I said it wasn’t dull,
Of course the giant won, it crushed the baby’s skull!
Regular giant beats a baby with big hands,
Regular giant beats a baby with big hands Da
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Will Boyajian New York, New York
I record/improvise all these songs live on Twitch in an hour or less.
You choose the
genre.
You choose the subject.
You choose the song and album title.
It's fun.
... more
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